Twice Cried

The following is a true story and may not be in good taste for all readers. The person who it's about gave permission to tell it and even to use his real name. For the sake of his wife and kids, I'll just call him 'Clive'.

Clive always buys his work pants a few sizes too big. He often works in small spaces and prefers the comfort of loose clothing. This choice means that wearing a belt is not optional. A belt is a must in order to avoid the constant mooning of co-workers and customers...although for those of us who know him, a half to full moon is not out of character for Clive.

One day, Clive left for work and forgot his belt at home. Arriving at the factory, he realized that the zip ties amongst his tools were the perfect length to serve as a belt for the day. So, he slipped on his pseudo-plastic belt and began the job. As he worked the line, another job was working it's way out, Job #2. He held off on #2 for as long as he could but after about an hour, he hustled his way to other end of the factory, avoiding any unnecessary chatter that would delay his arrival. Once he arrived at the "job site", all the sensors in his body knew where they were and the alarms were blaring. It was now or never. However, "now" was hampered by the fact that he had a fast-secured zip tie for a belt and his tools were a long way away from the washroom. In fact, Clive had effectively zip locked himself into his own pants. The state of urgency was so high that with much struggle and a layer of skin, Clive was able to do what he came to do.

The relief was short-lived. As Clive sat on his white throne, it dawned on him that he still had to get his pants back up. Getting them down had already been painful and his skin was red and raw from that initial experience. The zip tie was firmly fastened. Chewing through the plastic would be impossible and wire cutters meant a walk across the factory floor with his pants around his ankles. Clive eyed the canister of liquid soap hanging on the bathroom wall. Greasing up his stinging legs and hips, Clive lay on the floor, and slipped his zip-tied pants up.

Moral of the story: If you're going to buy pants that are too big, don't forget your belt or you'll be once shittin' and twice cried.