Reshaping Loneliness

I wish books could talk. Sometimes I just love what they have to say so much that I want to speak to their pages and hear them talk back.

I am reading Henri Nouwen's "Reaching Out" for the second time and it is delicious. It's pages are toasted brown on the edges and they smell sweet when I press them under my nose. I do that every few sentences; close the covers and press the book to my nose while I shut my eyes and digest the words that were written just for me in the year that I was born.

The book is as old as I am and although I am certain Nouwen did not put his thoughts to paper just for me, I swear it seems like he did. The entire thing is quotable and all I can say is "Read it!" As for conversing with the content, it has of yet not spoken back to me even while it still speaks to me. Perhaps I can engage it to an extent in this space and invite you to join the conversation or simply listen in at your leisure.

In speaking of the spiritual life, Nouwen defines it as a "reaching out"; a reaching out to one's self, to others, and to God. He says it is a constant movement between poles: the pole between loneliness and solitude, hostility and hospitality, and illusion and prayer. In the spiritual life, we must leave measurements behind and simply face the pains of our human predicament. As we confront the loneliness, hostilities, and illusions of life, we become more aware of our need for solitude, hospitality, and prayer. There are no short cuts in the spiritual life. We must wrestle with the first three difficult things if we are to discover the simple beauty of the last three wonders.

Loneliness is a battle that everyone fights a few times or many times in his or her life. We are not made to be alone but to be in relationship, but how many of our relationships really satisfy us? It's Christmas and the television is saturated with images of shiny, happy people enjoying precious moments of love with other shiny, happy people. Their teeth are snow white, they look good in their clothes, and their lives are fantastic. Every time they look at me from the screen, I am keenly aware that my life and I look nothing like them. We are inundated by messages and images that tell us how social and good looking we are supposed to be.

Nouwen had the same sensation while sitting in the subway. Every where there were advertisements of "playful", "smiling", and "beautiful" people but surrounding him were silent, nervous strangers with their noses in their papers and their hands on their wallets. He wrote,

"(T)he words and images decorating my fearful world speak about love, gentleness, tenderness, and about a joyful togetherness of spontaneous people. The contemporary society in which we find ourselves makes us acutely aware of our loneliness."

We are afraid and we are lonely. We are afraid that we won't find love and we are afraid that we will. We are afraid to be alone but unsure what friendship and intimacy should look like when they are offered to us. In this tender season of togetherness, loneliness can loom. The parties and reunions can even heighten our sense of loneliness. Instead of ignoring this sensation, probe it and question it. Ask where it comes from and what can be done with it. Reshape loneliness; don't let it shape you. It's there for a reason. Reach out and find it.