The Absence Effect

What effect does absence have on our relationships? Is it ruinous or does it enhance them? There's the familiar saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and although I retch at its triteness, I do believe that being absent from someone increases our affection for that person.

I enjoy the presence of someone so much more than being away from him or her, but without absence, would it be as sweet? Extended absence has had a negative effect on some of my past relationships. It made me or the other person forget one another as we called or emailed each other with less and less frequency. Perhaps the nature of these experiences hinges on the heart. A heart that is secure and grounded in the assurance of another person's commitment and love can endure time apart; the body may be absent but the heart remains intimately present.

During those absences, I became nostalgic about these people and I missed them. My memory of him or her became inflated and the person became someone more grandiose and wonderful than what he or she really was; my affection increased for them because they were no longer present in my day to day life. My heart bloomed with wistfulness in such a way that the next time I saw the person, I felt somewhat let-down; reminded of the fact that he or she was merely human like me and not the unduly esteemed version in my head. Henri Nouwen describes these encounters by writing: "(It's) as if we sensed that we were more for each other than we could express." In other words, separation can create a hyper-sense of closeness and longing that cannot be conveyed in togetherness. There are amazing times when deep reaches out to deep and actually meet but it doesn't happen with every encounter.

This absence/presence dynamic that we experience with other people comes with the realization that no person can meet our needs and fill our hearts perfectly. In fact, we should never expect a friend, sibling, parent, or spouse to occupy this role. It's not a possible or fair expectation. The longing we experience for others in their absence isn't always satisfied in their presence because it was created to carry us to our Creator. We crave community and a sense of belonging but find ourselves half-starved until we discover intimacy with God.

To be with God in his glorious presence is better than life. It is life. Paul says in Philippians 1:21, "For me to live is Christ but to die is gain." Jesus told us that it was better that he leave us because he was going to send us his Spirit instead (John 16:7). Even our own departures from God's presence eventual propel us back into his arms because nothing compares to him once we know him. Jesus is completely present with us but absent at the same time. Until he returns, we wait in eager expectation and our affection for him should swell with every day that we seize. With his return, there will be no let-down or sense of disillusionment. For those who call on his name, he will be the joy of our desiring and deep will meet deep and be satisfied. To be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord; absence makes the heart grow fonder but presence is always sweeter.